Here we are, Day 2 of state AIMS testing in Arizona. Yesterday, day 1, was brutal. I was so so so exhausted at the end of the day. And what did I do all day? Walk around, monitor, observe, cringe, all while trying not to really read any of the questions my kids were struggling with, and trying not to make faces when I saw them pick silly answers. My feet hurt, my eyes hurt, my head hurt, my heart hurt. I was just tired.
But, I woke up, showed up, and here I am for day two!
I don't know what it's like across the country in other schools during testing week. Things have changed so much since my elementary testing days. All I truly remember is that we got prizes for showing up on time, reminders were sent home to eat breakfast, sleep good, and have a good dinner. We were told to try our best, and show what we know. I don't ever EVER remember being stressed out about taking the MEAP test in Elementary school. I remember getting my score results and being mostly happy, but sometimes disappointed that I didn't do as well as some of my other classmates. But that lasted a few days and I moved on and forgot about it until the next year.
Last fall (Fall of 2012) when I student taught, I was able to be present during MEAP testing. I remember walking around, helping a few students when needed, and just monitoring the testing. I don't remember feeling completely stressed out, or overwhelmed, and I know for a fact that none of my students felt those things.
This year, in my current classroom, this is what I see, hear, and feel.
** Constant reminders to eat a good dinner, get enough sleep, and eat a good breakfast in the mornings.
**Come to school on time!
** Rewards and tickets for good testing strategies, being respectful, showing up on time, etc..
**Me, as a teacher, COMPLETELY stressed out, worried sick, anxious, and nervous.
** Students anxious, worried, second guessing themselves, and forgetting things they have already learned
** "Ms. Niehaus. I like scary movies. They don't scare me. Nothing scares me. Except AIMS. I'm scared of AIMS"
** "Ms. Niehaus, I'm gonna fail."
** "Ms. Niehaus, I don't want to repeat third grade."
** "Ms. Niehaus, If I fail third grade, why can't you be my teacher again. You're the best teacher."
** "Ms. Niehaus, I'm going to try my best and show them that you are a good teacher and that you taught us everything we need to know. So you don't worry!"
*** Students who are completely bored, burnt out, and exhausted while they wait for the rest of their classmates to finish sections, (which are not timed) IN COMPLETE SILENCE!
So, What's the difference? Where did all these new things come from? Why the stress and worry?
High stakes standardized testing.
It's not new. But the high stakes part is taking over education.
This pressure has recently been placed on the teachers, because, God Forbid we just trust that our teachers can do their jobs efficiently, we have to have results that PROVE it... by testing the innocent students, and putting them in charge of our evaluation scores.
Now, though, the pressure is just not for the teachers to be considered and evaluated as "effective"... No, that wasn't good enough, now we have to move that pressure and stress into the arms, hearts, and eyes of innocent, young, sweet, CHILDREN.
I'm talking specifically about "Move on When Reading" - and other third grade reading initiatives across the country. Laws that state that any third grader who is not capable of passing the state given, multiple choice reading test isn't able to pass third grade and move on with their classmates to fourth grade. That student gets to be retained and repeat THIRD GRADE. At 8, 9, and sometimes 10 years old, they have to face emotional and social stress by not being smart enough to pass the reading test.
Growing up, I put a lot of pressure on myself. I had high expectations for myself, and I expected all As. I expected the honor roll. I wanted to be the smartest. My God, I wasn't even close to being the smartest, but I sure did try hard. I tried hard as hell to make my parents proud, my teachers proud, my family proud, and myself proud.
I was one of the few who LOVED going to school. I would stay inside from recess to help teachers in the school, because I loved school so much.
IF "Move on When Reading" would have been in place when I was in Elementary School, I would have surely NEVER been a teacher. Especially in third grade. Because, you know what happened to me in third grade?
... I moved from suburban Redford, Michigan in the middle of the school year to rural, farm country, Grass Lake, Michigan. I left all my friends, and all my family (my cousins and I were all within 20 minutes of each other), and we moved into an old farm house on 13 acres in the middle of NOWHERE. I remember being pissed. I remember exploring the woods with my brother, thinking we were SO cool. I remember seeing animals, like deer and rabbits at zoos, and we were now seeing them in our backyard. I'll never forget the first time I saw a snake... and my brother was cruel enough to chase me with me it. I had never remembered seeing a mouse, and all of a sudden, in third grade, they were in our HOUSE!
Needless to say, in third grade, my WHOLE world changed. Now, as an adult, I couldn't be more thankful that my parents packed us up and moved us to the country, but as a third grader, I couldn't have been more angry. I had to make new friends, find new hobbies, new bike trails (which didn't exist in the country), learn to adapt to living in the country with animals, and adapt to a new school with new teachers, and a new principal (I was attached at the hip to my principal in Redford).
IF, I would have had to take a high-stakes test like my kids are taking today, when I was in third grade, AND it determined if I would have passed third grade, I would have been a MESS! I probably would have passed, because I have excellent parents who take education seriously, and I had good teachers, BUT, I would have been so hard on myself, I would have stressed out, and I probably would have started getting fatter at a younger age.
Anyway, enough about me. Let's talk about today.
My Third grade students who I have grown to love more than life itself, are stressing today. They are taking part two of their reading and their math tests. This test determines if they are ready to go on to fourth grade or not. They all take the same exact test, with the same exact questions and answers, at the same exact time with the same type of pencils, and the same environment. The common theme here is "same". Are they the same kid? HECK NO, they are not. They are all different. They all come from different home lives, they all have different parent situations, they all have different cultures,and backgrounds, and most importantly, they all learn in DIFFERENT WAYS. AND THEY ALL SHOW THEIR LEARNING IN DIFFERENT WAYS. Some of my kids are talkers. Some of my kids are creative, and can draw. Some of my kids can create products. Some of my kids can write stories. Some of my kids can use their knowledge about certain things to explain other things. BUT, not all of them can answer multiple choice questions after reading a passage that's THREE pages long, and not all of my kids have the same vocabulary levels, so they cannot all even UNDERSTAND the questions that are being asked, let alone how to answer them.
Do you know what all of my kid have in common? They all speak Spanish. Awesome, right? Not in the state of Arizona. The fact that their native language is not English, separates them from the rest. They don't have common knowledge of the English language, because they learned Spanish first, and some of them speak only Spanish at home. And, I can't teach them English using Spanish because bilingual education is not supported in the state of Arizona.
So, here we are. All of these things going against my kids. Yet, they're still asked to alphabetize words to the 3rd letter, (which, they can't do), pick sentences that are written correctly in ENGLISH (which, they can't do), read stories and answer questions, (Which, they can do---when they are worded fairly), locate information in text, and even make inferences about the information they read(THEY ARE STILL LEARNING HOW TO GET INFORMATION FROM TEXT- So, no, they can't make inferences either).
I, as a teacher, have seen so so so so much growth and improvement in my students this school year. I can't even begin to fathom how much they have grown. Part of the reason why I love third grade so much is because it is such an important year, and such a big year. They start third grade as little little kiddos, and they grow up so much and leave third grade as big kids who are starting to develop their own sense of identity.
I will reflect on this school year later, as the year ends, but I do know that they are smarter, wiser, stronger, more intelligent, funnier, happier, and brighter than they were when they first stepped into Room 9 on Wednesday, August 7th! None of that will be tested, or shown on the test they are taking this week though. No one can test them and determine how much they have truly changed and grown this school year. That's something for your eyes, your ears, and your heart. You have to truly know who these kids are, who they were, and who they are capable of being to determine that kind of growth. That, my friends, is why I became a teacher. For THAT kind of love and growth. My job as a teacher is to prepare these kids (all students) for the future. That means educating them, yes. But, educating goes so much farther than passing a standardized test created by large companies who make millions of dollars, and so much more than any of us who are actually doing the teaching and held responsible for the results.
I have expressed my concerns with other teachers, or people in the field, or retired teachers. I get the same results every time. People give me the same look. They say "Well, none of us went into teaching for the tests, but we have to deal with it" or "Yep, We do that too", or "My state/district/school tests all the time too." or "Testing is just part of the deal now" or "Did you really think it was going to be perfect?" of "My first year of teaching was awful too, it will get better" or my personal favorite "Why are you teaching then? Leave this field, thats' what everyone else does".
Yes, all of those things have been said to me. And every single time, I just hold my breath, try to put on a smile, nod my head, and walk away. Walk away to cry to myself ,by myself, and probably, for myself.
Here's my responses, finally.
NO, I never expected it to be perfect. And, I am certainly not ignorant to the prevalence of testing in today's schools. However, I did expect to actually be able to TEACH. Because I did in pre-student teaching hours, I did during student teaching, and I did when I was subbing before getting hired.
I expected it to be challenging, and I embrace that challenge head on, just like I do with any other challenge I face.
No, I am not the only first year teacher in a title 1 school. I don't think my situation is the only one of its kind. However, I am new to the equation in this capacity. I had NO idea what to expect when I accepted a job at a school with 100% of the population receiving FREE breakfast, and lunch at school, and our district even offers free dinners throughout the week to families. My district also has the highest population of students who are English language learners in the country. And, in case you missed it, I work in the ONLY state in America that does NOT support bilingual education. So I can't support my bilingual students appropriately. No, I don't have it worse than anyone, and I know that other people have it worse than I do. However, it's not the same as working at a rural school in southeast or mid-michigan. And, it's not the same as working at school that supports bilingual education. So, instead of judging me and saying that I'm complaining, supporting me would be more beneficial.
Yes. Every district/school/state has tests. However, this is my FIRST year teaching. This is my first real exposure to a whole school year in the same classroom with all of the bells, whistles, expectations, and challenges of a public school teacher. So, cut me some slack. Let me complain about the injustices that we face, and let me be pissed off about it. I'm just as pissed, if not more pissed than any other teacher right now about the testing that our kids face. However, I'm new and fresh, I haven't had years of experience with it to get used to it, and I don't know how I'll ever reach a point where I am just "okay" with it. I became a teacher to teach, just like every other good teacher in the world. So, the fact that I cannot just "teach" is really really really upsetting. Let me vent about it, let me complain, and let me pissed about it. Support me, but don't tell me to get over it, and don't tell me what I already know - "no one became a teacher to give tests". No shit, Sherlock. I'm not an idiot, but I am new. I am pissed. And I do still want to teach. Give me a break, and instead of belittling me by telling me you've been dealing with it for years, just tell me to hang in there, pray for me, and my kiddos, and tell me I'll still be okay. (even if it's a lie).
So, as my kids wrap of the first part of their testing today, I reflect on the fact that this is week SIX that my kids have spent doing nothing but testing. SIX WHOLE FREAKING WEEKS of school for testing. By the time the school year is over, we will have tested SEVEN times. SEVEN weeks of instruction, collaboration, reflection, and learning lost because we have to give tests to assess learning. Can you just imagine for a few minutes how MUCH MORE learning could happen in this school if we didn't test SEVEN weeks this year? Even if we just had one state testing week, we would get SIX testing weeks back to TEACH and LEARN.
So, when I say that I am burnt out and sick of testing, maybe you will understand for just thirty seconds, that I'm not complaining about one week of testing, I'm complaining about losing SEVEN weeks with my kids. I don't get them back, and they deserve them more than I do. It is their right to education in this country, and because I have to be held accountable as a teacher, they have to lose SEVEN weeks of their learning!
I've grown a lot as a teacher and a person this year. I was super ignorant when I started school this year. I'm probably still ignorant, but I've learned a lot, gained a lot, and have a much larger outlook now.
Pray for us! :)
ONE MORE DAY!
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